開心與傷心

我不夠認份
所以怕再為誰作出犧牲
愛要有天份
所以我始終學不會放任
我不夠天真
不允許我傻傻的等
對自己殘忍
多殘忍 我要有分寸

我太過認真
所以才相信所謂的永恆
愛讓人恍神
所以止不住不小心沉淪
我太負責任
不允許有太多悔恨
對自己坦誠
多坦誠 我自有分寸

我只是無辜的人
很需要歎氣聲
有一些文字的吻
只留給傷過的人
明知道有些問題
沒有答案還是要問
原諒我 因為我就是 這樣的女生

好奇怪的感覺，開心和傷心兩者都在。
I have to learn to say no, learn to stop going on when my intuition has already told me no.
4 years ago I had a chance to stop, but I let it pass. I held on, thinking things would turn out beautiful like what you said.
一傳眼，已經好久好久。讓你佔取我心裡的位置太久了。or so I thought at least.
I let my heart rule my head then. So much for being a logical person, but when it comes to actions, my heart wins.

I closed my heart to others who came along.
I let everything go pass me.
I told myself you were the one.
I waited in vain.
I lived a lie.
I lied to myself.
Who is the person I see in myself for the past years?

Why, why must it be like that.
Why did I let you bind me to the "future" that only you saw in us?
Why did I choose to believe you?
Why did I do so much, missed so much of my life just for you?
Why did I stop there for so long?

Maybe I did think I loved you.
Maybe it was just a change that I was reluctant to face.
Maybe you were just conveniently there at that time, and it was 習慣 rather than 喜歡.
Maybe it was just out of loneliness that I thought I had you always.
Maybe I was just dumb, with the stupid personailty that you have always faulted.

Now I stand here, deciding that it is time to move on.
Again, I know this is what I want, and I let my heart rule my head again.
I want to really thank you to have had been there once, to have taught me so much, to have let me seen the world through you, to have let me grown up, and stronger.
Now I am here, wanting to find me, the real me.
I am happy all is clear, I am relieved I am free, but I do not deny that the truth hurts.
The truth hurts, or does it not?
A surface wound is painful, but a deep slice thru would not be. Just bleeding, and bleeding..
For the past years I have many surface wounds, some recovered, some scarred for life.
I cannot decide if I moved on without a fresh wound, or this time, it's so deep that I cannot even feel it.
Numb.
Happy?
Sad?
感覺不到啦！

Tears roll down, but why, I really cannot determine. Is it happiness, sadness or mere fear of the new future that I am expecting? The one sentence you made that could have summed up everything has been replaying in my mind since you said it, and yes, that sentence hurts.

In any case, everything was in my mind, everything is in my mind. It is my mind to be cleared by myself, and only myself.
I will find my way, no matter what.
No, losing you is not losing everything at all. You might have been everything then, but I will soon find my everything again.

What I can be sure now, I can start living for myself. But my intuition again tells me that I might be falling into another trap that I am setting for myself. Because once again, it seems like I might let my heart rule my head.