睡不著

難得決定讓自己早休息。

過了大概兩個小時了，還是不能睡著。

睡了又起身。

感覺好像有睡，又好像沒有。

喉嚨感覺上咳了很多，但又對咳嗽沒有回憶。

只對腦海里的畫面有影像。

是在做夢，還是根本還沒睡著而一直在想呢？

那麼久了，還是不習慣。

一個人，還是睡不著。

真沒用。

~~~~

昨天朋友問我是否用忙碌來埋沒一切。

昨天給的回答是沒有。

但，現在想想看...其實，好像很有可能。

在忙碌中，好多的都沒想到，沒想念。

忙忙忙，和時間打戰，只往前沖，沒時間往後看。

所以我所想要忘記，想要放手，想要離開的，我真的解脫了嗎？

Count our blessings (Beauty World OST)

F: Look at the stars they are so bright

M: They all came out to say goodnight

F: Wish I could keep one as a treasure

M: Wish I could stay up here forever

M: Life feels so different when I'm up here

F: I could so easily fall in love here

M:I've never ever been that lucky

Does it feel nice

F: Haven't ~~ so don't ask me

F: Listen the city is so quiet

M: Not like down there a noisy riot

F: This makes me miss my little hometown

M: Don't be so sad you're not alone now

M: Come to the roof when you feel lonely

F: Give stars a chance to get to know me

M: If you come up I better warn you

I might be here

F: Be warned too I might just join you

F: When I arrived

I was uncertain

Life was like a curtain that I hid behind

M: When you arrived

The air got fresher

You brought back the pleasure of living for the night

Funny how life is full of changes

Funny how friends are made from strangers

Since life will always keep us guessing

We might as well just go on but count our blessings

Look at the stars and count our blessings

心情，情感

有時候的我

覺得自己好大

所隱藏的力量也好強

強的自己抵擋不住。

有時候的我

覺得自己好眇小

沒力量 沒地位 沒用

弱的自己受不了。

有時候的我

看到別人需要幫助

很大方的去幫

不顧一切的保護他。

有時候的我

心裡覺得不平衡 想要幫忙

很想找份溫暖

發現自己其實一無所有。

那時，以後

從前從前，有個女孩。

對，就那女孩。

沒人知道她的名字，不受注目的她。

默默的跟著，默默的走在後面。

一直都在，只是沒人回頭看多一眼。

反正身為shadow，誰會主意？

Shadow只是那黑色的影子，在地上總被人腳踩的shadow.

這女孩，一直都有個好友照顧，有個好友替她爭取。

突然，好友離開。

這shadow得開始為自己著想，為自己做決定，為自己創出生活的彩色。

這幾個月，很多時候都很不好過。

想找個人來陪伴shadow, 也好難。

Shadow的世界，就只是黑色。

只能說，很幸運shadow遇見一些超好的人。

沒放棄她，非常的照顧她。

漸漸的shadow似乎開始找到她自己的生命。

這shadow好像開始變人行，不是永遠都沒人認識的。

現在的那女孩，對生命是充滿著希望，充滿著期待，等著看生命的下一秒會帶來甚麼。

但是，那女孩也充滿著害怕。因為在這短短的幾個月，發現了一切美好都會在一瞬間結束。在這幾個月，那女孩的生命，一旦覺得開始穩定，就會遇到生命的下個階段，就會把之前的美好都破碎。

即將考試，即將畢業了。現在開始喜歡學校生活，project mates，school mates，華樂mates.. 但也已經快結束了。因為對自己的性格沒信心，因為知道shadow是很容易被遺忘的，所以從不敢想像畢業後還會有這些朋友嗎。

多一個星期，這個phase的華樂就到一段落。

多三個星期，project就到一段落。

多五個星期，大學生活就到一段落。

五個星期後的女孩，會是怎樣的女孩？

女孩，要懂得珍惜現在吧。開開心心的面對每一天，因為每一天都會有它的彩虹和星星。

Look in front

Walking home, plugged into mp3 player, I heard a distant bicycle bell ring. Instantly, I turned back but I just couldn't see where the bicycle was. When I turned front again, the bicycle is right in front of me and I almost crashed into it.

Everytime I heard something "ringing", I would think it's from the back. I always turn back. Not noticing what is in front of me.

I've been thinking back about the roads I've walked, and not thinking about the roads I'm going to walk.

Reminiscence. Not letting go. Looking back.

I learning. Learning to look forward. Learning to tread on new roads, to explore. With caution, but, I'm sure I can find my footing on my path.

A break from work!

就算我愛你也不能夠說明... 你和他,是不變的定律。

戴佩妮: It's all about love

Post NUSCO concert blues

The day came, and passed.

Yes, my stage manager role has ended.

From doing nothing, to heaps of work in the past week and settling everything, working from 5am to 12am for CO by thinking and thinking what I have missed out anywhere... all these came to an end last night when we staged what I would consider to be a rather successful concert. No major cock-ups, music was reasonably good considering how we played one week ago. Seriously, I'm missing the times when I open my email and it's flooded with CO things to do (as compared to now which is only flooded only with school projects. :( ). Post-concert nothing-to-do syndrome huh?

This may be the first and last time I'm taking up a considerably major role in CO, the last time I even have a chance to contribute. Thinking back about how much I've changed.. from the quiet one in CO who leaves NYCO exactly at 5.30pm on the dot after practice.. not wanting to talk to people, much less to say to big crowds.. to now standing in front of these 100 odd people and luo-suo-ing in front of them. Yes, I know it's nothing much to most people to keep being so luosuo, but CO has made me grow, made me learn, made me work, made me stressed, made me cry, made me happy.

I'm really thankful for all the people whom I worked with for this concert. Thankful for their patience and tolerance of my stupidness and ignorance and blurness. Prior to this concert, I've got ZERO experience preparing for this concert. God knows why I agreed to take on the SM post initially, but since I've decided to do it, I decided to make it work. Well, I hope it did work and it seems like at least things went on ok.

I'm thankful that with one request or question or with one email, everyone responds to me fast and helps me in every way they can. Be it to buy drinks because they have cars, to help me buy food, to catch the orchestra's attention or to be my loudspeaker and scream to the orchestra, to reply to all my questions, to help me find crew, help me scold crew and to guide me... hmm. actually I'm pretty useless lah, haha just coordinating people's help to make things work. So, special thanks to Yileng, Yongxin, Xinyu, Yue Yiao, Geraldine, Qi Ling, Jeffery, Chan How, Wang Liang, and my very dearest section I/Cs (who were harassed by me all the time). :) For responding to my millions of requests and questions and for receiving so many spam mails from me because I tend to forget things in emails and send multiple times. Of course I'm very thankful for all members too, for their cooperation in making things run smoothly, for their patience in waiting due to my bad time planning for production schedule and their tolerance for the horrible Sunday's dinner.

其實在華樂那麼多年了，進進出出好多華樂，發現最重要的還是接觸的人。很開心NUSCO都是好人，很開心在一切結束前，有個機會和Geraldine再一次同台，有一次的機會一起籌備concert。Love u Geraldine! 哈哈！因為這場concert，在忙碌中也找到了好多新的朋友，再次的認識久朋友。想想回籌備的過程，竟然有點感動的憶念。哈哈，或許是忙到瘋了，但瘋得很開心。

Concert過了，很多也可能在此結束。空蕩蕩的，或許也會很少見很多人了。畢竟自己也要畢業了。還好有個美麗的回憶，一個難忘的回憶。謝謝natalie 亂suggest我做stage manager。哈哈。一個慶功宴，一個AGM，華樂就到一段落了吧。不是undergrad了，感覺一定不一樣。

天阿，太多感觸。謝謝NUSCO。你讓我找回自己，找個新的自己，讓我知道facebook is secondary to a lot of things (have been spending a record low period of time on FB for the past few days!) haha! :)

忙碌

好忙，好忙。

忙得很開心，因為忙是忙喜歡的東西。

忙，就甚麼都不想。

星期六早上。

窗外下著雨。

有了賴床的機會。

聽著雨一滴一滴的落在窗口，我好像也聽到我心裡下雨了。

還是忙碌好。

Back to work.

為甚麼在等待....害怕我自己無法忍受，對不起我會離開 然後

Try

只要一句

如果你開口說，我就不走。

往往很多很多的溜走，就是因為不肯開口。
往往看著好多好多擦肩而過，因為沒開口。
往往的我就是讓好多滑過，因為我不開口。

所以我要學會開口，起碼試過才不後悔吧。

另一張臉

Adapted from Teng (2010)

Quintessence 三月天《汇》
By NUS Chinese Orchestra

Date: Sunday, 21 March 2010
Time: 8pm
Location: NUS UCC Hall

Tickets at $21, $17 & $13 (inclusive of SISTIC fee)

Songs includes: 瑶族舞曲, 南道阿里郎, 莫愁女幻想曲, 尧天舜日, 大地回春 and 城市即景. Don't worry, 大地回春 is not the new year song.

Hurry grab your tickets now!

Acknowledgement: special thanks to Qi Ling cos I copied this off your blog. Don't scream at me, I'm promoting the concert.

In your eyes

對彼此的約定

你不要懂 放開你是我最掙扎的旅程

我不是你眼中唯一将领 却是不起眼的小兵

I love my mum!

Preparing my mum for her US trip technologically and also by offering her my half-winter clothes and seeing if she can fit in.

Troublesome mum wants my iPod touch to bring to the US (God knows why, she says she wanna watch youtube on it -,- and thus depriving my sister of my iPod touch). Haha, lao cha bo thinking. I cannot comprehend. I hope she really understands that there must be wifi before she can use it, and it's not like my iPhone. =,= Since so, I'm in the dreadful process of restoring my iPod to factory settings and putting in things she might like or games she might wanna play. Setting up all her facebook account, msn accounts blah blah to auto log in on her mini laptop too so that she can stay connected to us in Singapore. :)

I really wonder what else I can do for her... hmmm. I'm so gonna miss her in the one month she's gone. Well, ok, I'm just being a baby now but I've been so spoilt by her in the past months I stayed home! Sadly, she won't even get to see Nat when Nat comes back in April. =(

Prepare, prepare, prepare. Let's hope she doesn't ask me about the kettle that I left in Poland last year. =X Ahhhhh...

Ok this post is so random. But I'm already missing my mum!! Eeeks, what's wrong with me?!

謝謝阿家！

請留住我的美

就這樣 愛了 天多高 風不曉得

我

我是一個很討厭做決定的人。往往做一個決定都會想很久，一旦做了決定就不回頭，不後悔。有些決定竟然可以span over a few years of considerations。
現在心里想做的決定。我到底要不要呢？會不會變成心中的遺憾？我不知道，不清楚。

What happened?

你問我，我為何這樣。

我沒有辦法答。

你擔心我，會變會很久很久以前的我。

我沒有信心對你說，說我不會走回那條路。

～～～

不要對我溫柔好嗎？我會捨不得，會不懂的如何走下去。

不想回家，不想面對只有自己的空間。

好多話想說出來，但想說時，往往是在沒有人有時間聆聽的時候。

要學會靠自己，但還是在學習中。

討厭自己這樣的心情起伏。

有時候好想，好想，放棄所選的路。

路是自己選。時間從不停留。嗨。

我怎麼了？

~~~

也許我不懂想要的愛 也許因為不懂 才一再的受傷害

曾擁有過的這一切　都可能在一瞬間全都消失
曾最讓我感動的事　都可能經過時間而被遺忘　也許我過得不夠認真
曾經我相信只有他　是我在這世界上最愛的人
但相信不代表永恆　人總會有喜新厭舊的時刻
也許我不懂想要的愛　也許因為不懂　才一再的受傷害
直到現在　走過的路
有些心酸辛苦　但至少有些小幸福
愛過恨過　走過的路
很多感觸　或許在一個人散步時心中還會回顧
只希望自己能走出片天空　勇敢的走到未來

曾經被辜負過的心　是可以重新來過找回勇氣
生命中的成功失敗　也許總有一天我才會明白
誰會告訴我　什麼是對
懂還是不懂　只要不要被打敗
直到現在　走過的路
有些心酸辛苦　但至少有些小幸福
愛過恨過　走過的路
很多感觸　或許在一個人散步時心中還會回顧
只希望自己能走出片天空　勇敢的走到未來

遺憾別過度分析　會上癮
期待　別捆綁自己　會失望
簡單地來說　我想要的並不多
不需要完美　只要能與眾不同
直到現在　走過的路
有些心酸辛苦　但至少有些小幸福
愛過恨過　走過的路
太多感觸　常在你最失落的時候
讓人想不開　想逃想躲
但知道應該　勇敢地走　到未來